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Struggling but Striving

Hello loves! I’m not going to go in-depth just yet… but I did want to introduce myself to anyone who finds my blog.

I am 23 years old, happily married to Dylan, and we have our pup Zeak. I graduated high school in 2016, worked at Taco Bell, a couple random jobs and then found my passion of working with developmentally disabled adults as a Direct Support Professional! I worked with this last company for about four years and loved it. My health was affecting my attendance at work so I had to quit, but I miss my clients and coworkers like crazy! I have had Rheumatoid Arthritis since I was 15 years old and developed Fibromyalgia at 21 years old. I can go deeper into that later, but it has been quite the adjustment! I also am clinically diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic disorder. Fun stuff right?!

I have lived in the PNW all my life up until the beginning of September 2021. Currently I am living with family in California. I have not been able to see them a ton so the quality time has been amazing. Also, Zeak and I thrive in the sunshine! That brings me to my husband, Dylan. He isn’t here with us because he was deployed not too long after we got married on 01/02/21. It has been awful without him by my side. My five cousins, Aunt and Uncle do a fantastic job of distracting me!

In my journey to find a career path that I can do with my physical limitations, I have been experiencing a lot of self doubt and hopelessness. I know this isn’t a career just yet, but I figured, if it can give me a sense of accomplishment then hey, it could benefit me and anyone who is interested in my posts!

I have always had a passion for writing but didn’t really know how to follow that. I am also someone who is terrified of failure and judgement. So here we are! My goal is to follow my passion and work on becoming a better version of myself. I adore constructive criticism so bring it on! I want to research topics YOU want to hear about and share my interests and story with you too.  

If you have made it this far I am incredibly thankful. If you want to help me find my flow with this blog, please leave a comment of things you are interested in!!

 

With all my love,

Natasha                                        

myself, Dylan and Zeak at our wedding

All Of This Is Me.

10-10-2021

Hi loves. We are talking World Mental Health Awareness Day. Well I am writing this two days late because, ironically, I was having a bad mental health day! I started out the day feeling very anxious. Most likely due to the fact that I was feeling guilty and alone. Pretty quickly, that turned into dissociation. I couldn’t write this blog, nor could I write in the journal I am sending to my husband. I simply could not connect with myself. I was numb. Since then, I have been extremely anxious and emotional. That is a completely normal response for me when I come back to the “real world”. All my feelings come to surface, I break down, and tend to not feel like myself for a while. I struggle with anxiety, depression, PTSD, panic attacks, eating disorder, and dissociation.

I wanted to show the different sides of me, not just the “internet side”, because that’s not realistic. Life is much more complicated than that.

Out of the people I have interacted with in my life, 8/10 are currently struggling with their mental health, or have in the past. My family and friends as well. I have grown up around it and I know that won’t change. That’s exactly why I feel like we need to talk about it more! I don’t want anyone to feel like they don’t have anyone to talk to. If you need someone in your life to go to, my door is always open.

I have gone through months, barely leaving my bed, and feeling like I couldn’t make it another day. I was able to push through because I have people in my life who would check in on me constantly. But even though they reminded me that I’m loved and worthy, I didn’t feel it. I was too far gone. Today I am hanging on. Unfortunately, I can’t predict when my mental health will be debilitating. Most days, I experience terrible stomach aches, to the point that at times, I can’t function. I know I’m not the only one who deals with this so please reach out if you need help, want to chat about it, or just need a friend. No one should ever feel this alone.

Sorry for this not being a peppy post. I still wasn’t able to fully connect with myself while writing this, but I really wanted to put it out there.

24/7-National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line: text TALK to 741-741

Veterans Crisis Line: send a text to 838255 or call 1-800-273-8255

24/7-The Trevor Project (LGBTQIA+ community): 866-488-7386

National Eating Disorder Association (M-Th 9Am-9Pm Friday 9Am-5Pm): 1-800-931-2237

Mental Illness Hotline: 1-800-950-6264

love always, Natasha

Creating Connections

A Touch on Friendship

Hello loves! Today in my personal life, I reached out to an old friend. This was really on my heart so I thought what better for my second post! Friendship is one of the most beneficial, heartbreaking, and difficult things that we all experience. No matter your sexual orientation, race, age or interests, it’s hard for us all at some point. I do love that the struggle of friendship can bring people together, create conversations, and give you a new perspective. I personally have struggled staying connected to friends off and on, throughout my life so far. I have had one very special friend since I was three years old, and we are still friends to this day! That doesn’t mean we haven’t had plenty of ups and downs.

I have had incredible friendships at each stage of my life. Elementary, Middle School, High School, and since, my one special friend is the only consistency. I do think that is completely okay, but I have always been jealous of the people who have a tight-knit friend group. After I graduated High School, I went to a few jobs. My job with Ambitions of Washington, caring for developmentally disabled adults, I made a great group of friends and never felt better about myself.

I’ve always had the feeling that it was my fault that friendships didn’t last more than three years, but as I have grown and talked with more people, I have come to realize that it is completely normal. I challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone as often as possible. I don’t know many people since I’ve moved to California, but I plan on meeting new people and experiencing new things. The friend group I had made at work has been drifting apart, and I’ve decided that’s okay. Also, that it’s not necessarily on me. I’ve loved them all dearly and still stay in touch, but sometimes life gets hectic. Everyone is going through something whether they talk about it or not, and I think if we all try and remember that, a lot more connections can be made.

Love always, Natasha